To Change a Feeling

Spiritual First Aid…

A few days ago, I threw a party for friends I’d never invited over before. The party was an enchanted house treasure hunt theme, with clues that led to interesting and secret corners in my home. It was a huge success… with friendship, mystery, and laughter all night.

There was just one thing wrong. It was kind of a huge faux pas. I had offered wine to one person, but forgot to offer anything to the others because everyone was so scattered in their pursuit of the clues. 

After a wonderful evening and affectionate goodbyes, I opened my fridge to realize the depth of my slip up. Clearly, when I had invited everyone to access the snacks and beverages, I had not mentioned that mental thought out loud. Omg!

I’ve held it off for a few days, but tonight, the knot in my stomach is getting heavy and stealing the beauty from my memories. Time to address that.

I go upwards… because where else is there? 

“God, want to show me how we release this feeling?”

No words come, but I remember something I’ve been doing for a while. I work to give the feeling a name. In doing so, I regain my power over it.

Regret!! Yes! Spirit of Regret, up and out… I release you to my Savior.

Hmmm… odd. I usually try to work with the spirits I call out so I can find them a better role to play in my story. This must be a big one for me to release it straight to God. What is a regret, anyway?

“God, want to teach me about regret?”

My next thoughts become the gentle masculine voice I love. It’s been within me for years. Maybe it’s God himself. Maybe my divine masculine. Really, it feels like soulmate love. He just knows me that well.

Thankfully, he is skilled with his questions… asking the ones what will help me answer myself.

“A regret is a perceived loss… how do we release a loss?”

Intuitively, I know this one. “We fill it in… so it becomes a gain.”

I hear his smile. “Exactly. So how do you fill in the loss you perceive in the example with your party?”

“I have to define the perceived loss. Naming it makes it tangible enough to catch and release.”

In my mind, he is nodding. “Good. Let’s give that a try.”

I take a minute to concentrate. “Ok, well… I feel I lost respect because I made an embarrassing mistake. Maybe I hurt people’s feelings. I am fighting the sepsis of shame.

Oh… Oh!!!”

My power is released, and the words tumble out with command.

“Ahaa!! Spirit of Shame, up and out! I know you. I remember when you showed up. The parents used to say that. “Shame on you, Beckie… you should be ashamed of yourself.”

“Well, you know what? I am no longer ashamed of myself. Nor should I be. I am allowed to make mistakes and do embarrassing things. It is part of the human experience that I incarnated here for. You do not get to take that away from me. I am no longer someone who accepts any curses of regret or shame. I am new now. They dont stick to me anymore. Now I am someone who loves myself unconditionally, and I inspire that in others, too.”

My focus turns from me to the spirits who were taunting me with their lies.

“Spirits of Regret and Shame… I do not know how to write a better story for you right now. I dont want to take the time to anymore, either. I release you to Jesus. Maybe you will click with him, but I am done working with you. That’s all. You may go now.”

Phewph… big breath…. mindfulness… mindfulness…

The wind is blowing cool and damp in the night. The leaves are rustling to cover their whispered secrets. I sit under my covered deck and watch as the wind tickles all the trees into constant movement.

I hear the voice I love, quiet in my head. “There… how does that feel?”

I answer automatically, with a smile. “Better. The wind reminds me that I am holding onto one small aspect of an amazing night. That I am freezing it in time and enlarging it in my mind. But the wind reminds me that life is organic and dynamic… always changing. Never still. And that most things blend to a natutal feel.”

The voice in my heart does not interrupt, so I keep going.

“The aspect I am clutching is only still in my mental plane… where I have captured it like a bug in a jar. Everywhere else, the energy of that faux pas has already been changed by the constant movement of all things. To the outside world, the faux pas has disipated and been cleared with apology and humor.”

Finally, I realize my truth.

“The situation is over and healed. The only problem is that I am still snagged on it internally… wondering about what it means or says about me. In essence, this means I have captured that energy, placing it under the microscope and magnifying it greatly. Focusing all my attention on it just grows the feeling… making it loom large in my mind.

The gentle voice wraps me in a hug. “So, did you find your answer?”

I snuggle into the warm feeling and nod. “To release this feeling, I must stop it from upstaging the rest of the night in my mind. It is a mental solution. I need to check my focus and allow that one embarrassing aspect to shrink back to its original size… to blend back into the memories that were beautiful, playful, and fun. In this way, its power is made relative to the whole experience, instead of overpowering other aspects of it.”

There is no comment from the voice in my heart. There is no need for one.

Wow… so much clarity.

Deep breath…. mindfulness.

The wind has stilled. Nothing moves in the quiet night now. The trees have grown tired of whispering secrets and tickling my senses. They have all gone to sleep.

I guess that’s what I need to do, too. But now I go with a heart in flow and I sleep without regret.  And shame can play a different game, but Im not playing again.

Haha. Goodnight…

B… just b…